Generally classed as a not-so-distant relative of the yeti, bigfoot, sasquatch, and the abominable snowman, the yowie is a creature that continues to be sighted throughout Australia. But what does it really look like? Where is the best place to find it? And is there a government conspiracy to cover up its existence?
What follows is a tongue-in-cheek profile of the beast which I hope answers these questions, and which probably shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Unless, of course, you really want to…
Anatomy and Appearance:
Despite its fearsome reputation, sightings by early European settlers actually placed the yowie at a diminutive 5 feet. Nowadays, they range anywhere from 2 to 3.5 metres tall -possibly due to the introduction of the metric system. As well as being extremely hairy, they have large feet that appear to be placed backwards on the end of the leg, and extra long arms for reaching into houses and stealing vegemite.
Despite the best efforts of cryptozoologists, photographic and video evidence has been scarce and unreliable. Steve Piper’s video from the Brindabella Ranges in New South Wales offers the best view of one in action, but is contested as a hoax.
Photos are even more hard to come by. However, the Yowie statue in Kilcoy, Queensland is, reputedly, anatomically correct.
Behaviour and Lifestyle:
Scrutiny of all accumulated evidence can only lead one to believe that the yowie is a predominantly playful creature with a wicked sense of humour. This is the only way to reconcile conflicting reports which would have us believe that the creature is clever enough to evade capture by modern man for centuries, yet is also partial to a casual stroll down the side of the road carrying kangaroos and leaving extremely large footprints for people to find.
While predominantly seen as roaming individuals, yowies have been spotted in family units and speak a language that “might be Latin”.
They are also fond of extremely basic scout-craft. If you have seen any stick structures or rock piles in the woods that a five-year-old could do, this could be a sign that yowies are trying to communicate with each other in that area.
Don’t be fooled, however, by this seemingly childish attitude. Yowies are also known to be deadly. If you’ve found any decapitated puppies around recently, a yowie could be responsible.
It is well-known that yowies are superior to human beings in their height, strength, and ability to see in the dark. However, yowies also have an aptitude for making photographs of themselves appear extremely blurry and are known to camouflage themselves so that they look like uncle Dave in a gorilla suit.
Distribution and Habitat:
Given its aforementioned resemblance to the yeti, bigfoot, sasquatch, and the abominable snowman, it is conceivable that the yowie has achieved global domination. Presumably, the yowie is an Australian subspecies of one of these other hairy hominids, and quite possibly the missing link.
In Australia the yowie is most prolific in the wilds of New South Wales and Queensland. Assuming a distribution in line with the number of sightings, the following is a breakdown by State:
Curiously, Aboriginal oral histories that report on similar beings are also focused around the States of New South Wales and Queensland (see below), lending credence to this distribution pattern.
The yowie has its roots in Aboriginal oral history, most recognisably being referred to as a “yahoo”.
In parts of Queensland, they are known as quinkin (or as a type of quinkin), and as joogabinna.
In parts of New South Wales they are called jurrawarra, myngawin, puttikan, gubba, doolaga, gulaga and thoolagal.
Other names include, yaroma, noocoonah, wawee, pangkarlangu, jimbra and tjangara.
I stole this information from Wikipedia, so it must be true.
It has been claimed that ASIO (the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation) is aware of the existence of yowies and has, in fact, managed to tag and follow them in the wild. It can be assumed that ASIO is denying all knowledge of this in order to protect the tourism industry, fully aware that Australia already has more deadly animals than it knows what to do with (Tony Abbot included). This hypothesis is supported by recent news that the Australian Government employed Soviet-era style redaction on a UN report on climate change – removing all reference to the dying Great Barrier Reef – in the interest of protecting the tourism industry. The same short-sighted motivation must surely be behind keeping the existence of the yowie a secret.
The real-life yowie is not to be confused with the Cadbury chocolate:
It should also be acknowledged that the image on the chocolates are not an accurate representation of real yowies. However, they should be considered just as dangerous as their forest dwelling counterparts. Excessive consumption may lead to type 2 diabetes.
This news.com.au article is a good introduction to all things yowie, including Dean Harrison, a prominent yowie hunter who has nearly been killed by the creature on two separate occasions.
Dean Harrison’s own site, yowiehunters.com.au is full of useful information, and is where you should report any of your own findings. Fear not for the yowies’ safety, however; the site makes it clear that, while they are known as “the Yowie Hunters”, they prefer to be known as “AYR” (as in Australian Yowie Research) “due to the fact that we wish no harm to the Creature and do not wish to instil a predictable interpretation of the word ‘Hunter’”.
Tim the Yowie Man spotted his namesake in 1994 and has been obsessed with all things unexplained in Australia ever since. He has written books on the topic and hosts ghost tours and excursions around Canberra. Tim can be contacted via his website yowieman.com.au. In case you were wondering, yes, Tim the Yowie Man is his real name. He changed it by deed poll. He also did a fine job of fighting off Cadbury so that he could continue to use the moniker.
And one more video – is this hairy humanoid, caught on night camera in a secret location in the Gold Coast hinterland, the fabled yowie?: